from How to Survive Being a Presbyterian:
A CONSPIRACY OF ACCENTS
If you go to Scotland to trace your Presbyterian roots, you are bound to run into a bunch of church members who talk funny. They will have a charming, lilting accent with a lot of burring in their speech, which makes them difficult to understand. You must resist the temptation to test the old rumor that if you wake one of them up in the middle of the night, he’ll talk just like the rest of us.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
People say that if two Presbyterians meet for the first time, they will form a brand new committee. It is therefore probably best to cross the street when you see another church member approaching.
After you’ve been around awhile as a deacon or elder, you may be elected to serve as the clerk (of session) or moderator (of the deacons). These are the top jobs and you will be in charge. Some folks say that you should then assume that you have probably heard the truth for the last time.
OLDER PRESBYTERIAN WOMEN BELIEVE
- that no one should be in the express line with more than ten items.
- that fools’ names and fools’ faces always appear in public places.
- that their next husband will be normal.
- that brag is a good dog.*
- in the wisdom of Marie Antoinette, who said she didn’t care what people did as long as they didn’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses!
* although no one knows quite what this means.